Saturday, September 24, 2011

Firenze Day 4: On My Own Now

Ciao! 
Today's blogpost will be a bit more personal that my previous ones. As I write this I sort of feel as though I am writing my memoirs... sort of like the adolescent version of "Eat Pray Love"... kind of. 


As I write the newest chapter of my life for you, dear reader, I sit in this pink, plush couch with my feet up on another chair I scooted across the floor to assist my back. I am alone in my apartment. My roommate, one of the many Rebeccas in our group, comes tomorrow at 4:00pm. Yep, I'm all by myself (Please imagine me saying this in a melodramatic sing-songy voice--works better that way.)


Ok, onto the more personal side of things. I might tear up at this. Let me know if you do... or don't... I mean it is quite possible that this won't tear you up the tiniest bit to what I write here... you cold hearted person you... JK (Rowling). 


Here we go! 


There are many first time things we do in our adventurous lives that, quite frankly, scare the hell out of us. Of course, when we are little munchkins (Not sure why I put "little" in front of "munchkins," being a little redundant here... sorry) these scary events are now seen as comical: 

  1. Going to the dentist (Wait a minute... that's still scary).
  2. Jumping off the diving bored without your mommy to catch you.  
  3. Going to school (Dressed in your awesome gray-polo shirt, which, of course, is tucked snuggly into your pants. Don't forget that belt, wrapped around your waist, squeezing the living daylights out of you. Lunch bag at hand. New pink barbie backpack slugged across your shoulders. The works.)
  4. Riding in your first horse show. 
  5. Leaving home for two weeks for an over-night camp. 
  6. Going to Middle School.
  7. Going a plane by yourself.
  8. Going to High School.
  9. Getting back surgery (Wait... the second time was just as scary, if not scarier.)
  10. Driving a car. 
  11. Going to get your license.  
  12. Going to College. 
  13. Asking a boy you just might have the tiniest bit of a crush on if he wants to hang out... (Needles, catheters... um lets, just say facing pretty much any sort of medical utensil is nothing compared to this.) 
As you can see I have a lot of first experiences that were on the rather frightening side of things. And today I encountered a new, new scary experience (Whew, say that seven times fast. Don't! You might hurt yourself.) 

What is this new, new scary experience?


Answer: Living on my own... in a foreign country. 

Here's some of the things that make this event even scarier than previously interpreted. I have never really lived on my own before. I go to community college, so I live at home. I like my home. I am comfortable at my home. Home is good. (I think you get the point.) I am also very, very, very, very, very close to my momma. (You Thinking: Awe, how sweet! / Me: Yes, I know.) My momma and I grew A LOT closer than we already were during my back surgery years (5 years), so saying goodbye to her for three months was obviously a really difficult thing to do today.

Eventually, I would like to go to NYU and so I was thinking: Living in New York City is going to be a difficult new experience for me. Hey! Got an idea. Maybe... maybe if I go somewhere even MORE difficult the transition to New York City won't be as challenging. 

Can I just say that I have an odd thought process? 

So, here I am in Florence, Italy. New country. New language. New way of living (on my own). New EVERYTHING!!! Yep, New York City should be easier after this. 

I am very excited for what I have to learn through this new and slightly frightening experience.  

Am I scared? 

Let me think about this... ok, done thinking. Not really. I mean, yes this is a scary, new experience as mentioned before, but I'm not too, too scared. I know I am with a good program. I'm with a kind, welcoming group of people... I'm going to be ok. And if I ever NOT feel ok. I'll just have to listen to Ingrid Michaelson's awesome song "Be Ok."




Yes, it is scary to take on a new experience, especially when it is a combination of new experiences--new school setting, new group of people, new country, new language, new home, new, new, new--but it's amazing what you are capable of doing when you push yourself. You never know how far you can go unless you try. The only way in succeeding at anything is taking that FIRST step. And here is how I think of things now--see I was stuck at home and in the hospital for about five years (long, long, long five years) and not being able to do a whole lot really forces you to take a hard look at your life. In the hospital you take on a new perspective of the world. This is what pain does to you. And through my back surgeries I learned: Yes, things will be tough in life, but if I just take a deep breath in and out and keep on taking those steps in the direction of my destination I will BE OK. 

This is my life's mantra: BE OK. 

I will BE OK.
Everything will BE OK. 

I feel like I am babbling a bit again. (Your probably rolling your eyes at me.) But I am almost done I promise. 

I guess the point is: I want to experience life. 

There why couldn't I have just said that???

These scary experiences and how you react to them are what define you. They are character building, which I know I liked to roll my eyes at whenever someone told me that this really awful event I went through was "character building," but now I get it. If I've gone through a really challenging event, I don't look at it like: Why the hell is this happening to me? What did I do wrong to deserve this? 
Instead I go: What can I LEARN from this?

So here is my question for my new, scary friend Florence, Italy: What can I LEARN from you?

Arrivederci! 


2 comments:

  1. I did kinda tear up as you seem to be waaaayyy too young to have such a clear perspective on life. Since I just retired from good old Sprague after 32 years, see I don't do change too well, many things are new to me. I think I will take on your mantra and kick it up a notch... For me anyway. I will be okay and enjoy the scary new choice. Because I will have selected that new choice. Thanks for the "ah ha" moment. Please keep writing, I am so enjoying reading your blog.

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  2. This makes me so happy. I am glad, it makes the writing more fun, knowing people out there are enjoying what I read. Yes, two back surgeries kind of does that to you it seems.

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